Review by Castle of Chaos and Reel Contender
Pirates of the Caribbean: No Need to Tell Tales
Most of us remember Kobe Bryant. He is one of the greatest basketball players to play in the NBA. Before retiring in 2016, he scored 60 points all his own during his very last game. That’s an incredible amount of points for any player, setting aside the fact that he’s 38 years old. What you may not know? He shot the ball 83 times. Kobe made significantly less than half his shots. Suddenly, 60 points are far less impressive.
This accurately illustrates the latest performance from Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. A pirate-turned Disney caricature, Jack Sparrow pitches jokes like fastballs. Primarily bunting, he sends a few mid-fielders our way, and does manage to land a home run or two. In spite of that, he does very little to alleviate the feeling of exhaustion as you sit there, teeth clenched in an awkward attempt to dismiss the embarrassment filling the theater.
Despite what most of his fans would say (it’s difficult to digest), as it stands Jonny Depp is overrated. When the credits began rolling, I was honestly not upset at how bad this movie was. I entered the theater expecting the sinking ships’ latest addition to be underwhelming. This, along with a no-name director and little screen-time for Orlando Bloom or Kiera Knightley, helped keep my expectations at bay. I’d dismissed the movie as an obvious cash grab with no real need for quality entertainment. Hollywood is predictable, and the outcome of this movie was as well. As I began standing up to take my leave, I can honestly say I was not upset with the film.
Until the clapping started.
I couldn’t believe it. The audience started clapping! How can this be? What are they clapping for? I saw the film because I’m in the industry, was with my family, and needed to use a gift card. If any of those three elements did not exist, I wouldn’t have even considered it – yet these people are clapping?
To quote a better time in the franchise:
“One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.”
– Commodore Norrington | Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Such is the case in its latest attempt at appealing to the pirate lover in all of us using little more than amazing visuals and special effects; one good effect is not enough to redeem a movie of 129 minutes of boredom. This movie is bad. It tells no further story. It erases everything significant that came before it. It’s not nearly as funny as it is embarrassing.
“Relieve the Captain of his booty and ye shall be rewarded. Fail, and ye shall be fed to the crocs!”
The Captain’s Booty Escape Room is an entertaining challenge that takes you through a series of rooms rigged with clues and riddles. Work together to solve the puzzling combination, make it to the captain’s quarters, and find the pirate’s treasure before the time runs out!